Bad Customer Cervix

A couple of months ago, I headed to the OB/GYN for the dreaded annual exam. It's the same old shit every year, isn't it, ladies? I really like my doctor, though, so I always wear fun socks for my exams. After all, all he gets to see is my vagina and my socks so I figure I have to do my part to spice it up a bit. This year, as it was around Christmas, I wore blue and white striped socks with ice-skating reindeer. Nice, huh? He thanked me. He's a nice man. Anyway, all goes according to plan on the day of the exam. A week or so later I came home to a message on the machine from Dr. Feeney. "Nothing serious, just give me a call tomorrow around eleven." Nice. Love the suspense. So, the next day I called and he explained that my pap came back showing a type II abnormality. Apparently pap smears are graded type I through type V, type I being normal, type V being the 'Big C'. According to that scale, type II is no big deal, really. Dr. Feeney prescribed a medication designed to eradicate a very common cause of abnormal paps and asked me to come in for a follow-up pap in a couple of weeks.

If left untreated, 65% of abnormal paps in the type II or III range return to normal on their own. Thanks to the 35% party poopers, no gynecologist on earth will let an abnormality go, of course.

So I went back in for my second pap. This time I wore bright pink socks with neon green and silver sparkly Christmas trees. Again, Feeney gave me a perfect ten for presentation. This time he found a vascular spot on my cervix which he cauterized (much less dramatic than it sounds) and explained that the vascular tissue could certainly have caused an abnormal reading while being a totally benign issue. I left his office feeling pretty good. A few days later, I called for the results. Not good. The pap was still abnormal, still type II.

This past Monday I returned for a colposcopy, a giant vagina microscope. Fun, right? So I arrived, with my darling husband in toe, on Monday morning for the Great Vagina Experiment wearing snow white socks featuring dozens of brightly colored conversation hearts touting Valentine's messages. Appropriate? Probably not. Anyway, during the colposcopy Dr. Feeney found some fluid filled cysts on my cervix which are normal and harmless but, again, can cause abnormal results. Upon further inspection, however, he found two areas of white epithelium. That's bad news. White epithelium is a symptom of cervical dysplasia, the precursor for cervical cancer. He biopsied both areas, naturally, and I left the office with the same instructions; call on Thursday around eleven.

So today is Thursday. One of the two areas that were biopsied returned no evidence of disease. The other area, however, showed moderate to severe dysplasia which basically denotes very naughty cells. As there is no traditional 'Time Out' for naughty cervical cells, these guys have to be removed. How, you ask? Loop Electrosurgical Excision Procedure, or LEEP, as it is known to its close friends. The cervix is numbed with local anesthetic then, using a wire loop and a low level of electricity, the tissue is excised from the effected area and is sent off for further testing. The idea is to eliminate all the naughty cells so the well-behaved cells to go back to playing quietly together.

Very exciting, no?? So, in defiance of my faulty vagina, tonight I made gorgeous, silky, rich mashed potatoes with butter, evaporated milk, a dump-truck's load of salt, and scallions along side bone-in pork chops, dredged in seasoned white flour, then bathed in an egg wash WITH yolk, then forcibly pressed into seasoned white breadcrumbs and fresh grated parm, then FRIED IN BUTTER AND OIL. Take that, dysplasia!

I'm not sure how a high fat dinner is really sticking it to a bad pap but I surely felt better after I ate it......

A new beginning

After a considerable absence, I'm ready to begin blogging again. Contrary to what you may be thinking, it hasn't been a matter of having nothing to say. Hardly. Perhaps my disappearance from the Blogosphere can be attributed to the sheer lack of sleep I've been burdened with over the last couple of years which now, to our greatest delight, seems to be old news. Maeve has been sleeping nine or ten hours in her own bed as of late and I (almost) feel human again. Or perhaps I haven't written because I'm a lazy turd. Yeah, that's probably it. Regardless, here we go again......


Zack and I are each trying to drop a few pounds; I, a few more than him. Over the last couple of weeks I've been on a tireless quest to make the perfect unfried French fry. I have failed several times. Too crunchy, too soggy, too salty, too dry, too low-fatty. Today, I embarked on another attempt. My previous tries involved my fab new food processor Zack got me for Christmas, complete with french fry blade. The processor cranks out perfect, skinny little fries in seconds flat. Today, I decided to hand cut the fries, hoping that a bit more substance would alleviate some of the obstacles I'm trying to overcome. So with a compost bin brimming with potato peels, I gave it another go.
After trying a couple of different ways to season the fries, I decided to go with an egg white wash with good old Old Bay seasoning. Although I'm not a huge fan of pre-mixed spices, I do dig some Old Bay.












As best I can tell, the key to a good, unfried, french fry is constant babysitting and overall coddling throughout the process. After I put them in a 400 degree oven on a well-loved, lightly sprayed cookie sheet, I set one timer for 40 minutes and another for seven minutes. Then I went to blow dry my hair.... then stopped to change a poopy diaper and wash my hands..... back to drying..... timer goes off. Those little suckers were already starting to stick! I gently scraped them off the cookie sheet with a spatula and, for the first time on this journey, I didn't leave half the potato on the sheet pan. Closed the oven, set timer for seven minutes, back to the bathroom. After blow drying for a couple of minutes I had to stop to put on the television for Maeve who'd been happily playing with her Playmobil farm until this point. Back to drying... timer goes off.... and so it goes for the next 40 minutes, during which time I managed to get completely dressed and clean up the french fry prep mess I'd made.

I was fairly confident I'd cracked the secret code on these guys but I still had to put them to ultimate taste test.... the two year old critic, Maeve. Check out the footage.

That's right, I said "better than the ones I made last night." What can I say? I am simply not a quitter. I am determined and committed. If the fries were a failure at lunch today, you can bet your ass I would've tried again at dinner. I'm vigilant.

She seemed fairly pleased. Here's the before and after....

Pretty proud of herself....

An afterthought...

Erin inspired me to post my Thanksgiving menu… thanks, E! The Abbotts and Militos know how to party…

Starter:
Champagne Pate with herb water crackers
Polish Roses
Good old cheese and crackers

Main course:
Sage rubbed roasted turkey
Pork, sage, and onion stuffing
Mashed potatoes and gravy
Stuffed golden acorn squash

Desert:
Baked pears with caramel sauce

Booze:
Mimosas
Dry Sherry
Red wine
White wine
More red wine
Warstiener
New Castle
Guinness
Terre Haute Velvet (a whole separate story!!)
Port
Single Malt Scotch
Irish coffee

Table is set.

Zack whipping up some Polish Roses