A little advice...

Pregos:

1. The generic version of liquid Mylanta tastes better than the brand name.
2. No one’s pregnancy will be exactly like yours, especially your mother-in-law’s.
3. At around seven months along, let your husband move to the guestroom. If you do it right, this could be the best months of sleep you ever get in your life.
4. Lots of gross things will happen to you during your pregnancy. Be prepared for anything.
5. Stop reading those damn pregnancy books!
6. Go into your delivery with an open mind… Leave room for bending in your birth plan but do everything you can to avoid a c-section.
7. If your husband doesn’t rub your back and/or feet every night of your entire pregnancy divorce him at once and find someone who will.
8. If you don’t have a good relationship with your mom, fix it. You’ll need her. Bad.
9. The last few weeks of your pregnancy might suck. Don’t wish them away. As soon as your baby is born you’re going to wish you could shove her back in just long enough for you to eat a sandwich and take a crap.
10. If you want to start your labor, don’t drink castor oil or eat a whole pizza or whatever the old wives’ tales suggest. Do the following:

• Sell your house
• Buy a new house
• Pack up your old house and move all your shit to your new house
• Clean the carpets at your old house
• Unpack your new house
• Move your piano, then change your mind and move it back
• Proceed with labor

New Mommies:

1. If you’re planning on breastfeeding, plan on bullying the lactation consultants at the hospital. Do whatever you can to dominate their time. Who cares about the other patients!!
2. Stay in the hospital as long as they’ll let you. It’s way better than your house.
3. Get a lumbar pillow for your glider or rocker. You’re gonna spend a lot of time in it.
4. Learn how to properly swaddle your baby.
5. Be cautious when buying generic diaper wipes. Remember the difference between real toilet paper and school toilet paper?
6. Babies cry… a LOT. Crying peaks around five to seven weeks. You can pretty much count on week six sucking ass.
7. Figure out how to tolerate your hair without drying it.
8. Just eat. What you had for dinner last night is not giving her gas. Well, maybe it is but everything will. Her tummy will work itself out in a few weeks regardless of what you eat. So just eat, damn it.
9. If you cry everyday for eight weeks, its post partum depression. Now wipe your face and call your doctor and get some Prozac. Go on. Everything will be fine.
10. Everyone told me that by six months motherhood would be incredibly. During the first three months, every day seemed like an eternity. I’d never make it. Those first three months were really hard. But now we’re at six months and it really is the best job I’ve ever had. I really like her.